Beyond Perfection: Why Your Values Are Your New Neurodivergent User Manual

Learn how to re-architect your daily choices, transforming your unique values into a practical, shame-free operating system that truly works for your AuDHD.

We’ve talked about workability: that beautiful, often messy, permission slip to abandon rigid ideals and lean into what actually, practically moves you forward. This concept, frankly, flipped my entire world on its head. For decades, my complex AuDHD brain searched for the right answer, the perfect system, the one instruction manual everyone else seemed to have. And when it inevitably broke or didn't quite fit, I was left buried under layers of shame and that suffocating, anxious paralysis. You know that feeling. It’s a full-body dread, right?

But here’s where a profound aha clicked for me, truly solidifying the power of workability and setting so much free. It’s what transforms that lens from a cool theoretical tool into your actual, deeply personalized, life-simplifying GPS.

It’s all about values. And this is the part that will make your life SO MUCH SIMPLER!

Values: They’re Not Nouns, They’re Verbs.

For the longest time, I thought values were… well, things. Like "I value honesty" or "I value creativity." Concepts, fixed points on a mental map. Kind of static. A worthy aspiration, sure, but what the heck do you do with that, practically, on a Tuesday when your brain is soup and the world feels loud?

My revelation came when I understood that values aren’t nouns you possess; they are qualities of action you desire. They're not what you have; they're how you want to show up. They're the underlying how in your life.

Consider this: "Honesty" isn't some polite virtue you plaster on a resume, is it? No. It's that raw, gut-punch of a choice to speak your truth, even when your stomach twists into freaking knots and every fiber of your being screams stop. "Creativity" isn't just some finished painting hung on a wall; it's that messy, glorious leap into a new problem with a fresh perspective – experimenting, letting wild, novel connections crash together. It’s the actual sweaty, messy act of birthing something new. That reframe? It demolished my old way of thinking, obliterating every single 'should' and reshaping how I made decisions. It wasn't 'what do I want to be anymore. It was, 'how in the ever-loving hell do I want to show up and be in this life?' This shift was monumental.

Goals vs. Values: Why One Never Fails

Here’s another big one, especially if your brain loves to set ambitious, beautiful goals then get stuck in a furious spin cycle if they're not met perfectly (hello, AuDHD friends, I see you!).

• A goal is a specific outcome. It’s a destination. Getting a certain job. Finishing a project. Cleaning your entire apartment. And sometimes, despite your absolute best efforts, you might not reach that exact goal. The world intervenes. Your executive function decides to take an unannounced nap. Your energy system completely craters. And then? The familiar crash of shame. Failure.

• A value, however, is a direction. It's a compass heading. You never "finish" a value. You can always, no matter what, in some freaking capacity – even if it’s so tiny it barely registers – act in alignment with it. Even if you’re barely holding it together.

If my goal is "write a book," honestly, that feels like scaling Everest on a Tuesday when my brain has decided to become static and my fingers physically refuse to string words together. It’s a paralyzing, utterly impossible mountain. But if my value is "creativity" and "expression," then on that same brain-soup day, I can still just mess around with a doodle in my notebook, maybe look up a new interesting word to chew on, read a quick poem, or even just think creatively about what the hell I’m going to make for dinner that won't require too many executive function points. It’s a microscopic action, sure. But it’s still moving in the damn direction of my value. It’s never a failure. It’s just… acting consistently. And i’m talking about the kind of consistency our excutive-function-challenged brain can actually accomplish: not repeatedly doing the same thing, but instead repeatedly moving towards the same direction.
What a radical thought!

This understanding, this simple truth, means I always, always have that anchor question: Is this action, right now, workable? Is it actually aligning with how I want to be – how I want to show up in this noisy, complex world? Even if it's just a tiny, messy, utterly imperfect step?

The Blueprint for an Unburdened Mind: Values + Workability = Clarity

This is the big payoff. This combination is literally like installing a custom operating system patch for your unique neurotype, specifically designed to reduce mental load and decision fatigue. And believe me, if your brain is anything like mine, constantly juggling a thousand thoughts and trying to make "the right" choice, this is the ultimate liberation.

When you clarify your values as qualities of action (how you truly want to be present, how you want to interact with the world) they become an incredibly robust internal compass. Suddenly, decision-making becomes less about trying to guess the "perfect" outcome (an impossible task, by the way, and a well-worn path to analysis paralysis for us) and more about simple alignment.

• Does this job offer align with my value of learning and intellectual challenge?

• Will spending time on this hobby truly allow me to feel connected and present, instead of overwhelmed by expectation?

• Is responding to that comment in anger truly living by my value of understanding and respectful communication? Or is there a more workable way to assert my boundaries and uphold my values?

You don't need a sprawling spreadsheet of pros and cons anymore. You don't need to spin out, cycling through every single torturous "what if" until your brain feels like a deep-fried circuit board. No. You just ask: Does this small, messy, maybe even clunky step, right now, move me even a single goddamn millimeter in the direction of who I truly want to be? Is it workable for my neurotype, today? That's the key.

My own pile of half-finished coding projects is such a perfect, messy example of this. I deeply, deeply value creative expression and intellectual challenge. My autistic brain absolutely adores diving deep into new frameworks, perfecting complex algorithms, or building elegant systems that should logically work. But then my ADHD brain swoops in, craving the thrill of something new, wanting for the rush of initial exploration, the dopamine hit of the novel idea, and making the grind of maintenance or bug fixing feel like a literal cage. It’s nearly impossible, for me, to stick to one long, linear path. So instead of chasing that unicorn called 'finished product,' I ask, 'Is the way I’m currently engaging with code actually workable for my value of intellectual exploration and creative expression?' Perhaps the ambitious, perfectly architected application is a wonderful hyper-fixation for a few weeks, but a simple script that automates one tiny, annoying task is definitely the more workable daily expression of my problem-solving drive. Both? They're totally workable. Both smack dab in alignment with what truly matters to me. And both? They slash the friction, they cut the shame.

No, this isn't some cop-out; this isn't throwing away your goals out the window or giving up on striving. That's quite the opposite actually. It's getting down to the real why behind your drive. It's gut-level knowing that, even if the endgame changes, or if life throws a curveball and you take a wild detour, you can always be moving, step by tiny, messy step, toward your deepest desires. That kind of consistency, that rock-solid sense of your own damn north star? It brings a lightness, a kind of effortless flow through choices that used to drag me down, kicking and screaming, into deep paralysis. It creates space for genuine psychological flexibility.

It's the re-architecture you've been searching for. It creates a powerful, clear path, leaving behind the shame-inducing rigidity, and finally allowing your complex, beautiful mind to genuinely flourish.

Take a moment this week. Beyond just observing your patterns (as we discussed last time), start gently asking: For those actions that truly suck your energy dry or leave you feeling stuck, what deep value might you actually be trying to express, or what value are you perhaps neglecting? And how could you nudge, just a tiny bit, toward acting in alignment with it, no matter how small? The shifts, I’m telling you, are profound.