Workability: how to tame black and white thinking, shame, and decision anxiety

Living while constantly asking yourself if what you're doing is "right" or "wrong" can be absolutely draining. Thankfully, there IS a workaround.

For years, I believed there was a single, elusive "right" way to function. A set of unspoken rules or an instruction manual everyone else received. You probably know that feeling. It settles deep, makes every missed step feel catastrophic, wraps tightly around decisions until they become impossible burdens. This rigid script fuels deep-seated shame for not fitting, for not performing as "expected." It drives an anxious paralysis that leaves you stuck. The profound energy drain is familiar to so many.

My own journey, late-diagnosed AuDHD, has illuminated this internal static. Trying to force a round peg into a square hole, endlessly. The solution, I’ve found, lies not in striving for a non-existent perfection. It unfolds as a complete re-evaluation of what works. This isn't just tweaking small habits. This is a framework shift, a profound re-architecture for your distinct operating system.

It's called Workability.

This concept emerges from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and it’s beautifully direct. Forget chasing specific feelings. Forget trying to squash certain thoughts. The core question becomes: Is what you're doing here, right now, workable? As in: Does it move you toward the life you genuinely desire? Or is it pulling you away? This lens cuts through the noise. It forces you to look at your actions not as moral declarations, but as practical experiments. Does this behavior create more of what you want? Or less?

Workability asks you to release judgment on your internal experience and instead, weigh the actual impact of your choices. What are the consequences of clinging to that rigid belief? What does listening to that pervasive shame cost you? Where do you land, consistently, when decision anxiety dictates your path? This isn't a complex calculation. It’s an honest look at the trajectory you’re creating.

Black and White Thinking: The Search for a Single Truth

My brain thrives on patterns. It craves clarity, seeks the singular "best" solution, the perfect system. This manifests in strong reactions to unexpected input. You might know the feeling. Suddenly, something is either good or bad, right or wrong, 100% in or entirely out. This isn't always a flaw. Sometimes, it’s a strength, a pathway to deep focus and specialized knowledge. The critical piece here is recognizing when this tendency becomes unworkable.

If you believe there is one perfect way to organize your living space, then any deviation from that ideal feels like total failure. My own Notion setup, a thing of systematic beauty, became a source of exquisite frustration. My autistic mind spent weeks crafting intricate databases and dependencies, a truly optimal information architecture. Then, my ADHD brain arrived. Utter boredom. An impulsive leap into a new research rabbit hole, leaving the pristine system untouched. For a while, I saw this as a personal failing. "Why can't I just stick with it?" That was the black and white judgment at play. It created friction.

Applying workability changes the perspective. The question isn't, "Is my Notion system perfect or failed?" It becomes, "Is this current approach to information management workable for me today?" Perhaps a portion of the system is workable for deep-dive projects. Perhaps other aspects need a far simpler, less rigid alternative to accommodate shifting interests. The value is not in the system's aesthetic perfection. The value is whether it supports the complex dance of your mind.

The search for the “perfect” work environment, or the “right” friendship criteria, leads many of us down rabbit holes of rigid expectation. If your definition of success allows no room for variation or compromise, you will find yourself perpetually adrift, constantly triggered by any departure from your internal ideal. Consider your past. How often has holding onto a rigid ideal of an experience prevented you from engaging with the messy, good-enough reality? That perfection-seeking impulse that is often an extension of our desire for mastery, becomes unworkable when it creates isolation or paralysis.

To deconstruct this:

• Identify the rigid belief. "My space must be perfectly minimalist."

• Observe the consequence. "This belief stops me from ever cleaning or getting started because the task feels too overwhelming from where I am."

• Ask: Is this belief workable? Does it actually get you to that elusive calm, organized space you dream of? Or does it just keep you frozen, stuck in that familiar, suffocating pit of "can't even start"?

• Instead, try a workable action: "What's one small, totally messy action I can take right now that nudges me even a centimeter toward a life that actually flows?" An imperfectly cleaned corner. That's workable. That creates momentum.

Shame: The Silent Anchor

Shame wraps its fingers around your identity, quietly whispering (or sometimes loudly shouting) that you're fundamentally broken, that your unique traits are just a collection of failures, of "wrongs". For me, that whisper was a constant drone, a endless background noise. Every social misstep, every abandoned project, every moment I just couldn't do what seemed so easy for others… it screamed, "See? You're not enough. You’re wrong."

The deep fatigue many of us experience stems from masking way (WAY) more than it's useful to. We contort ourselves to fit a mold not made for us. Shame becomes the bouncer at the door of authenticity. It tells you to hide, to conform, to play small. But living small isn't how you thrive. It just drains you, leaving nothing. No fuel for real connection. No spark for the creative projects that actually light you up.

And do i have experience with this! Years were spent, meticulously mapping out social interactions, running scenarios in my head before I even walked into a room. Then, after an event, the inevitable crash. The sensory exhaustion, the mental fatigue. And deep, quiet shame for needing so much recovery, for feeling so utterly depleted after what others seemed to navigate with ease. That shame wasn't making me more resilient. It wasn't making me fit in better. It was isolating me, making me push even harder for impossible standards, setting myself up for more collapse.

Workability helps you untether from this anchor. Shame shouts: Shrink. It forces your stims underground, rips your gaze to meet eyes that burn, makes you push past sensory input until your entire system just snaps.

Ask yourself, truly: Is constantly hiding the real you, driven by that gnawing shame, actually forging deeper bonds? Or is it just building walls around you? Does pushing through my sensory needs out of fear of judgment (shame) lead to sustainable interaction, or chronic burnout? Does obsessing over every perceived misstep (that damn shame again) genuinely clear your path forward, or does it glue your feet to the floor?

And that unmasking? Let's be honest, it’s terrifying. It feels like ripping off a layer you’ve built, exposing everything to the glare, just waiting for the inevitable sting of judgment. You know this feeling, I know this feeling. This sick dread. Yet, consider the alternative. Is the life dictated by shame, the exhaustion, the quiet grief, the constant performance, truly workable for you? Or is it just pushing you further and further from real connection, from any sense of ease, from the vibrant person you truly are? The raw truth is this: stepping into who you actually are. All the glorious, messy, complicated bits: that’s the only way to find your people. Your community. To actually belong. That is incredibly workable.

Decision Anxiety: The Overwhelm of Choice

The autistic mind loves deep dives into specific interests. The ADHD mind craves novelty, struggles with initiation and transitions. Put these together, and decision-making becomes a maze. You see all possible paths, all potential pitfalls, all the minutiae of choice. This exhaustive analysis clashes with an inherent difficulty in initiating or transitioning away from that analysis, creating paralysis. The mind races, reviewing infinite permutations, trapped in an analytical loop. Which pen to use today? Which historical period to focus on? The trivial becomes monumental.

For instance, choosing new software for personal organization. My Software engineer brain saw all the options. Notion, Todoist, Tiimo, countless others. Each offered promise, each demanded research. I downloaded trials, read reviews, compiled spreadsheets comparing features. Weeks passed. The goal of "being organized" receded because the decision about how to be organized became unworkable. The deeper I went, the heavier the anxiety, the further I got from actually organizing anything.

That decision anxiety? It's born from this desperate, impossible need to pick the one perfect path. To somehow see every single outcome, avoid every speck of regret, and nail down every base before you even move. It’s that deep, almost crippling conscientious drive for absolute perfection. But if that internal striving means no decision is ever made, or every decision is accompanied by immense internal suffering, then the process itself is unworkable.

To break this pattern using workability:

• Instead of seeking the perfect option, define what qualifies as a workable option. What meets a minimum threshold for utility?

• Set constraints. "I will spend one hour researching." "My decision will be made by end of day." Not to force a "correct" decision, but to limit the unworkable rumination.

• Acknowledge the potential for imperfection. A "good enough" decision, acted upon, is exponentially more workable than an endlessly debated "perfect" one that never materializes.

• Once a decision is made, observe its effects. Not to judge the decision itself, but to learn if that decision-making process was workable. Could I have reached a similar outcome with less internal friction?

What's been workable for me ?
Completely stopping to try to have any organization system, and shift to make things highly "searchable". A new note? A new idea ? I just put it somewhere, ask myself "What will i be looking for when i look for this later?", and make sure those words are present. It pleases both my ADHD need for spontaneity, while my Autistic's wiring need for predictability is also soothed.
It's what works for ME, but your mileage may vary.

The purpose here is to shift your internal focus. It’s a liberation from an internal tyrant that screams "Must do it perfectly!" and replaces it with a calm, discerning observation: "Does this actually help me get to where I want to be?"

The North Star: Workability and Your Values

The beauty of workability is that it doesn't leave you adrift. It provides a radical freedom from unhelpful patterns because it connects directly to your internal compass: your values. We choose workable paths not for an arbitrary "better" but because those paths align with what truly matters to us.

When shame tells you to hide, but your value is authenticity, then hiding becomes unworkable. When black and white thinking freezes you, but your value is growth, then that rigidity becomes unworkable. When decision anxiety paralyzes you, but your value is impact, then the paralysis becomes unworkable.

Workability is the ultimate strategy for navigating your world. It makes room for the unique complexities of your brain. It actually gets that what works for one neurotype, or even for you on Monday, might just totally flop on Friday. This fluid, messy adaptability? That’s what keeps you going. That’s what actually keeps you from burning out. It provides incredible lightness. It makes room for your beautiful, intense mind to truly flourish.

We'll dive much deeper into understanding your core values, that essential internal compass, in the next post. For now, pause. Observe your current patterns. Ask yourself, gently but firmly: is what I'm doing... genuinely workable?

Take a moment this week. Just observe. Which thoughts lock you down? Which emotions drain you dry? Which decisions just… stop you cold?

When you’re truly ready to examine your unique blueprint and build something sustainable, let’s talk. Let's map it out. Because your capacity to navigate this complex world is not defined by external norms. It's defined by your innate design. Embrace it.